Microaggressions Against Non-Binary People: What Not to Say
Why everyday comments hurt enbys and how to speak with respect instead.
Non-binary people hear a lot of nonsense every day. Some are direct, and others may be well-intentioned, but the result is the same for both: they hurt.
In a world that’s still catching up on gender beyond the binary, casual comments can build up and eventually knock us over. These everyday slights, known as microaggressions, may be subtle or unintentional, but they can cause real harm. Words matter, and if you want to be an ally (or just not a jerk), it’s time to nix the phrases that make enby folks cringe, cry, scream, and feel all kinds of feelings.
This isn’t about tiptoeing on eggshells or policing every word; it’s about basic respect. Below, we’ll break down what microaggressions against non-binary people look like, why they hurt, and what not to say to the enby people in your life because we’re all here to learn.
What Are Microaggressions (and Why Words Matter)
Microaggressions are small, sneaky jabs or offhand remarks that reinforce stereotypes or invalidate someone’s identity. Think of comments like, “It’s so hard to remember your pronouns,” or assumptions based on appearance; they might not come with open malice, but they sting. Especially for non-binary folks, constant reminders that the world doesn’t quite get you can chip away at your mental health.
For example, being constantly referred to by the wrong pronouns isn’t “no big deal”; it’s a drip, drip, drip of feeling erased. As we’ve covered in our guide on pronouns, using someone’s correct pronouns is not optional; it’s a basic form of respect and affirmation. When people deliberately refuse or “forget,” it sends a clear message: I don’t see you, and I won’t try to.
The thing is, many microaggressions come from ignorance rather than hate. Your co-worker might genuinely think they’re being supportive when they overshare how “terrible” they feel for messing up your pronoun, but intent isn’t magic. Impact matters more. A comment can be meant in good faith and still be cissexist (reflecting the assumption that everyone is cisgender) or binarist (insisting only “male” or “female” are real options).
Bottom line: if you catch yourself saying something to a non-binary person and then adding, “I didn’t mean it like that,” pause and reflect. Microaggressions often hide in plain sight, masked as jokes, compliments, or curiosity. It’s on all of us to do better once we know better.
What Not to Say to Enby Folks (Common Non-Binary Microaggressions)
Let’s get into the specifics. Here are some greatest hits of what not to say to non-binary people, along with why these phrases are problematic. If you’ve said any of these, don’t panic – stop now and learn from it. And if you’re non-binary, we see you, and we’re probably face-palming right alongside you at how often you hear this nonsense.
“So… are you a boy or a girl, really?”
Non-binary means someone doesn’t identify strictly as male or female—point blank.
Asking an enby person to pick a side (“boy or girl”) tells them you’re not listening. It’s an invalidating question that suggests their identity isn’t real unless it fits your binary box.
It’s 100% okay not to know someone’s gender immediately, but instead of playing Guess the Gender, either use the name/pronouns they’ve given or politely ask what pronouns they use. Respect the answer. No further prying needed.“Isn’t ‘non-binary’ just something Tumblr made up?”
Ah, yes, the “it’s just a trend” dismissal. Non-binary identities are not a 2010s Tumblr invention, and saying this is both ignorant and rude. Cultures around the world have recognised genders outside the binary for centuries. Even “newer” terms like genderqueer date back to at least 1995, long before Tumblr. By suggesting it’s made up, you’re telling someone their identity is a fad or a joke. It’s neither.
Enby folks aren’t following a trend; they’re living their truth. Even if the language is new to you, the experience isn’t new at all.“There are only two genders – it’s basic biology.”
When in doubt, some people reach for pseudoscience to deny non-binary identities.
Newsflash: even biology isn’t as binary as you think. Many biologists now believe there is a larger spectrum than just binary female and male, and the existence of intersex people and diverse chromosomal patterns underscores that nature loves variety, not boxes. Gender, which is about identity (not just chromosomes or body parts), is even more nuanced. By parroting the “two genders” line, you’re not citing some objective fact; you’re echoing a debunked myth. Science doesn’t have your back on this one, and neither does basic decency. Don’t use a warped view of biology to invalidate someone’s lived reality.“But you have [insert body part], so you’re actually [insert binary gender].”
First of all, ew for thinking about anyone’s genitals uninvited.
Second, a person’s body does not define their gender identity. Plenty of non-binary people don’t medically transition, and that doesn’t make them any less non-binary. Equating gender with anatomy (“penis = boy, vagina = girl, end of story”) is reductive and wrong. This kind of comment is a one-two punch of invasive and ignorant. It’s basically saying, “Your identity isn’t valid unless your body fits my idea of it.”
Gender 101: A person is the authority on their own gender, not what’s in their pants. Unless someone opens up to you about their medical journey, do not ask about surgeries or bodies; it’s none of your business.“So are you going to transition all the way?”
Similar to the above, this prying question usually means “Will you get ‘the surgery’ or go on hormones?” The problem (besides the apparent invasion of privacy) is the assumption that there’s a “complete” way to transition, usually implying going from one binary to the other. Non-binary people aren’t trying to become men or women; they are non-binary. Some will pursue medical transition steps, some won’t, but all forms of transition (including none at all) are valid. Framing it as “have you finished becoming ‘real’?” is insulting. If an enby person wants to share about any medical or social transition steps, they will. If they don’t, you don’t push for details.“You’re not really trans – you just want attention.”
Time to retire the old “special snowflake” and attention-seeker accusations.
Non-binary identities are part of the broad trans community (since trans means not identifying with your birth-assigned gender, and that includes a lot of us enbies). Telling someone they’re “just confused” or doing it for Tumblr likes is not only dismissive, but it’s also downright cruel. Nobody comes out as non-binary for funsies or fame (shockingly, being a gender minority isn’t a ticket to popularity at family dinners). Comments like “you’re just doing this to be trendy” or calling someone a “snowflake” attempt to invalidate very real identities and experiences. Non-binary people aren’t looking for extra credit or special treatment; they’re looking for basic recognition. And trust us, no one endures misgendering, discrimination, and constant microaggressions just for a pat on the back.
Non-binary is valid, real, and diverse, full stop.“Ugh, singular ‘they’ is too hard/grammatically incorrect.”
We’re going to hand you a giant red pen for this one so you can cross it out of your vocabulary. Complaining about they/them pronouns (or neopronouns) as “too hard” is a classic microaggression.
The singular they has been used in English for literally centuries (Shakespeare, Austen, and Dickens all used ‘sit,’ so the grammar excuse holds no water). When you tell someone it’s “too hard” to use their pronouns, what you’re really saying is “your identity is too inconvenient for me to acknowledge.” Ouch.
Using correct pronouns might take a little practice, sure, but it’s far from impossible, and it’s the minimal effort of respect. As we’ve written in our pronoun guide, learning to use someone’s pronouns isn’t hard; what’s hard is unlearning the idea that gender is only ‘he’ or ‘she’.
So no, we don’t need a grammar lesson; we need you to try.“I’m sorry! I used the wrong pronoun – I’m the worst! I can’t do anything right!”
Mistakes happen. Maybe you knew someone before they came out, or you’re still training your brain away from old habits. Correct yourself and move on.
What not to do? The over-the-top apology meltdown. You know, the one where the person who messed up starts profusely apologising to the point that the non-binary person ends up comforting them. If you make a slip, a brief “Whoops, I meant they,” and continue the conversation, it is fine. What’s not fine is turning it into your pity party. Dramatic grovelling (“Oh my god I’m such a terrible friend, I keep messing up, I’m so sorry, I feel awful!”) centres your feelings and guilt rather than the person who was just misgendered. It actually creates another microaggression, because now the enby person has to say “It’s okay” to make you feel better. Don’t put them in that position. Apologise sincerely once and do better.
Say sorry, then carry on—no need for a Broadway performance about how bad you feel.Any statement that starts with “I identify as an Attack Helicopter, har har…”
Look, if you think you’re being edgy or humorous by mocking gender diversity with the old “attack helicopter” meme or “I identify as [insert absurd thing]”, you’re just broadcasting that you don’t respect trans and non-binary people. These “jokes” aren’t funny; they’re a form of ridicule that tells enby folks you think their identity is a laughable fantasy. It’s the equivalent of rolling your eyes at who they are. Maybe you’re trying to satirise what you see as “extreme” identities, or you heard this line on some cringe Reddit forum, but all it does is make you sound profoundly uninformed and cruel.
Let’s leave the helicopter in the hangar and not equate someone’s gender to a punchline.
Those are just a few examples, but the theme should be clear:
If a comment questions the validity of someone’s gender, pries into their body or transition, or makes their identity into a joke or inconvenience, don’t say it. Ever.
Even if you think you’re coming from a place of curiosity or support, re-read #8; your good intentions don’t erase the impact. When in doubt, ask yourself: Would I like someone asking or saying this about something so core to who I am? If not, then shut up.
How to Speak (and Act) with Respect
It’s not all doom and gloom; the great thing about learning what not to say is that you can replace it with better things to say (and do).
A few quick tips for being a better ally to non-binary people in your language:
Use the name and pronouns given. Consistently.
If you mess up, correct yourself briefly and move on. And make sure to correct others who slip up or joke at your friend’s expense. Solidarity counts.Normalise sharing pronouns and respecting everyone’s.
In group settings, introduce yourself with your pronouns to set an inclusive tone. If you’re unsure of someone’s pronouns, it’s okay to politely ask or use neutral language (like the singular they) until you know.Educate yourself.
If some terms confuse you (like enby, genderqueer, neopronouns, etc.), take the initiative to read up on them. Check out our Enby Meaning Glossary and our article What Does 'Enby' Mean? for starters! Don’t expect every non-binary person to be a walking Wikipedia for you.Respect boundaries.
You might be curious about someone’s transition or identity journey, but unless they invite that conversation, steer clear. “Getting to know you” does not mean “tell me about your genitals or childhood.”Apologise once, then do better.
Seriously, it’s worth repeating. A swift, sincere apology for a mistake shows you care. Repeating the error over and over shows you didn’t actually work on it. Actions > words.
Remember, allyship is a practice, not a badge. It’s totally fine to realise you’ve said one of the cringe things on the list above in the past, many of us have (cue the collective wince). What matters is what you do going forward.
By avoiding these microaggressions and choosing respectful language, you’re not being “PC”, you’re being compassionate. You’re acknowledging that non-binary people are exactly who they say they are, and deserving of the same baseline respect as anyone else. In a society that often questions or invisibilises enby identities, your words can be a small but mighty force for good or harm. Choose good.
Resources for Allies
At the end of the day, respecting non-binary people isn’t some extravagant task; it often starts with simply watching your words. English majors might debate whether language shapes reality or vice versa, but one thing’s for sure: the words you choose can make someone feel seen or make them want to crawl under a rock.
If you would like to read some of our resources on how to be a better ally to non-binary people, check out the following:
Learn More About Pronouns: Struggling with the whole they/them thing or want to deepen your understanding? Check out our guide, The Power of Pronouns: Why They Matter & How to Use Them with Respect. It covers why getting pronouns right is crucial and offers tips on integrating this into daily life (without the drama).
What Does “Enby” Mean? New to the term enby? We’ve got you covered with What Does 'Enby' Mean? Definition, Origins & How It’s Used. It explores where enby comes from and how language evolves in the non-binary community (yes, Tumblr gets a mention, and no, Tumblr didn’t invent us!).
Non-Binary Basics: If you’re looking for a broader primer on all things non-binary, see our comprehensive Guide to Understanding Non-Binary Identity. It’s perfect for sharing with that one friend or relative who needs Gender 101 in an approachable format.
Beyond the Binary in Culture: For a peek into how non-binary and gender-nonconforming identities show up globally and historically (we’ve been here forever), you might enjoy our posts in the History & Global Gender section. It’s harder to say “Tumblr made it up” when you’re reading about identities outside the Western binary that predate the internet by, oh, millennia.
By the way, all the above internal links keep you within Enby Meaning Media, your friendly neighbourhood enby-run platform: no TERFs, no traps, just quality queer content.
If you take one lesson from this, let it be that those casual phrases aren’t so casual when you’re on the receiving end. Microaggressions accumulate like weights on the shoulders of trans and non-binary folks, turning what could be just another day into a minefield of “Did they really just say that to me?” moments. We can all be part of removing those weights, one mindful interaction at a time.
So next time you meet an enby person (or any trans person, really), remember: you’re not interacting with a curiosity or a debate topic, you’re interacting with a human being. Ditch the script of tired questions and dubious “compliments.” Listen. Use their name. Use their pronouns. And when in doubt, treat them the way you’d want to be treated with understanding, validation, and maybe even a dash of the wit and warmth that the queer community is known for.
Words matter. Make yours count for good.
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