The Power of Pronouns: Why They Matter & How to Use Them with Respect
Let’s talk about pronouns.
For those of us who live outside the binary, being referred to correctly isn’t just polite, it’s affirming. It’s that little internal exhale that says, I’m seen. I belong here. And when someone gets it wrong, especially after we’ve said it clearly? That harm sticks. It’s not just a misstep—it’s a reminder of how often we’re asked to explain or justify who we are.
But here’s the thing: learning to use someone’s pronouns isn’t hard. What’s hard is unlearning the world we were taught, the one that told us gender is obvious, fixed, and only ever “he” or “she.”
This post isn’t about calling anyone out. It’s about calling you in, into a practice of respect, reflection, and maybe a little discomfort. Whether you’re new to this conversation, actively unlearning, or showing up as an ally, this guide is here to help you navigate pronouns with more care and clarity.
Because getting it right isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present.
What Are Pronouns—And Why They Matter
Pronouns are how we refer to each other when we're not using names. Simple, right? But when we start thinking about gendered pronouns—he/him, she/her, they/them, or others—it quickly becomes clear that these tiny words carry a lot of weight.
For many non-binary, trans, and gender-expansive people, pronouns are a core part of identity. They’re not a preference or a trend. They’re how we move through the world, how we’re acknowledged, how we’re respected.
When someone uses the right pronouns for you, it’s like a quiet yes. A little signal that says, I see you the way you’ve told me you are. It might seem like a small thing, but it can shift an entire interaction. It can turn a classroom into a safe space. It can make a job interview less nerve-wracking. It can make a friendship feel solid.
And when someone refuses to use the correct pronouns, especially after being corrected, it doesn’t just feel rude. It can feel erasing. Dismissive. Like a reminder that we still don’t always get to define our own lives.
So yes, pronouns are “just words.” But they’re also tools of affirmation or exclusion, depending on how we use them. And in a world that often tells trans and non-binary folks we don’t exist, or shouldn’t, getting it right matters.
Common and Emerging Pronouns
There’s no one “right” way to use pronouns, because there’s no one way to experience gender. That’s why you’ll hear a range of pronouns used in queer and trans communities, some familiar, some newer, and all valid.
Let’s break it down:
➤ They/Them/Theirs: Probably the most well-known gender-neutral pronoun. Used by many non-binary people, but also by folks who want to avoid gendered language altogether.
Example: “Jamie left their bag on the chair—they’ll be back in a minute.”
➤ She/Her/Hers and He/Him/His: Used by many women and men, including some non-binary people who feel connected to binary pronouns in specific ways.
Example: “Avery uses she/her pronouns, even though she identifies as non-binary—it’s what feels right for her.”
➤ Blended Pronouns (e.g. She/They, He/They): Some people use a combination of pronouns that reflect different aspects of their identity.
Example: “My coworker uses he/they—either is fine, but he likes when people mix it up.”
➤ Neopronouns (e.g. Ze/Hir, Xe/Xem, Ey/Em): These are gender-neutral pronouns outside the standard they/them, often used by folks whose gender exists outside traditional frameworks entirely.
Example: “Ze brought hir own lunch today.”
➤ Name-Only or No Pronouns: Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all and just go by their name.
Example: “Milo said Milo would meet us later.” It might sound different at first, but with practice, it becomes natural—just like any name.
Here’s what really matters: use the pronouns someone tells you to use. It’s not about getting it perfect from day on. It’s about respect, intention, and follow-through. Just because a pronoun feels new to you doesn’t mean it’s new to them. Language evolves, and so do we.
The Harm of Misgendering
Let’s be real—misgendering hurts.
It might seem like a small slip to someone on the outside, but when it happens to you, especially over and over, it starts to wear you down. It’s not just about the wrong word—it’s about the message underneath: “I don’t see you.” “You don’t matter enough for me to try.” “Your identity is optional.”
And that message? It sticks.
Misgendering can trigger anxiety, dysphoria, and even trauma for trans and non-binary people. It can make everyday spaces, whether it be work, school, healthcare, even family gatherings, feel unsafe. And it builds up over time. It’s not one awkward moment, it’s a pattern that tells us whether we’re welcome, or just tolerated.
Even well-meaning people can do harm if they don’t take responsibility. What might feel like “just a mistake” to one person might be the hundredth time that day, someone has gotten it wrong.
Let’s be clear:
Misgendering someone is not just a slip-up; it’s a violation of selfhood.
Repeated misgendering—especially after correction—is disrespect, full stop.
And when people laugh it off, double down, or make it your job to soothe their discomfort? That’s emotional labour no one should have to perform.
The good news? This is something we can all do better at, starting right now. It’s not about guilt or shame—it’s about taking responsibility and making space for people to feel seen.
How to Practice Respectful Pronoun Use
Using the right pronouns is about showing that you care enough to listen, learn, and adapt.
Here are a few ways to make pronoun respect a habit, not just a gesture:
Share Yours First
Make it normal to introduce yourself with your pronouns. Not in a performative way—just as a signal that you’re safe, aware, and open.
Example: “Hi, I’m Alex. I use they/them pronouns—nice to meet you.”
It sets the tone, especially for people who might not feel safe offering theirs unprompted.
Ask, Don’t Assume
If you’re not sure, don’t guess. Politely ask or use neutral language until you know.
Example: “Hey, I want to make sure I’m referring to you correctly—what pronouns do you use?”
If You Mess Up, Fix It
Everyone makes mistakes. The key is to correct yourself, don’t over-apologise, and move on.
Wrong: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I feel terrible…”
Right: “Sorry—they were saying something really great earlier.”
Practise Privately
If someone’s pronouns are new to you, say a few sentences out loud using them. Practice makes respectful.
Step In When You Can
If you hear someone misgendering another person (especially when they’re not around), gently correct them.
Example: “Actually, Jordan uses they/them.”
Model It Without Pressure
Some people may not want to share their pronouns, especially in unsafe environments. That’s okay. By normalising pronoun sharing and respecting others’ boundaries, you create space without expectation.
Using pronouns correctly is about meeting people where they are and affirming their right to be known on their terms.
It’s not complicated. It just takes care.
What to Say When You're Unsure or Slip Up
Pronouns can feel intimidating when you’re still learning. You want to get it right, but you’re afraid of messing up. And if you do mess up? Cue panic.
But here’s the truth: what matters most is how you respond, not whether you’re perfect.
If You’re Unsure
It’s always better to ask than to assume. But how you ask matters. Try this:
“Hey, I want to make sure I’m using the right pronouns—what do you go by?”
“I use they/them—how about you?”
If it’s a group, or you’re writing an email, use inclusive, neutral language until people share their pronouns.
If You Slip Up
You don’t need to grovel. Just correct yourself quickly, acknowledge it, and keep going. Example:
“She—sorry, they—just brought this up in the meeting…”
“Oh right, my mistake. They mentioned that already.”
What not to do:
Draw attention to the mistake.
Apologise so hard the other person has to comfort you.
Defend yourself (“It’s just hard for me!”).
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing you care enough to try—and to keep trying.
When It’s a Pattern
If you keep slipping up with someone, practice privately. Use their pronouns out loud when you’re alone. Say sentences with their name and pronouns until your brain catches up.
Respecting pronouns is about the intention and the consistency.
And if someone else slips up? Step in with care. You can gently model the correction without calling them out harshly.
Example: “Oh, I think Eli uses they/them, right?”
Mistakes happen. Growth is the goal.
Creating Space for Pronoun Conversations
It’s one thing to know pronouns matter, and it’s another to help create spaces where using them respectfully is just... normal. Not forced. Not awkward. Just part of how we show up with care.
Whether you’re in a classroom, workplace, group chat, or community space, normalising pronoun sharing helps everyone feel seen and respected.
Start with Yourself
Model it casually and consistently. Add your pronouns to your email signature, your Zoom name, your “about me” blurb.
Example: “Hi, I’m Casey (they/them), I’m the project lead on this.”
You don’t need a long explanation. Just presence.
Build It Into Group Culture
If you run meetings or facilitate spaces, invite people to share pronouns—but never make it mandatory. Not everyone is out, and safety always comes first. Try this:
“Feel free to share your name and pronouns if you’re comfortable.”
“Hi everyone—my name is ___, I use she/they pronouns. No pressure, just letting you know how I’d like to be referred to.”
Check Your Forms, Policies, and Language
If you run an organisation, ask:
Do our forms allow for self-identified pronouns?
Are we using inclusive language across our site or materials?
Do our onboarding processes or training reflect gender diversity?
These small shifts send big signals.
Remember: It’s About Care, Not Policing
Not everyone is ready to share pronouns publicly—and that’s okay. Creating space means letting people define what feels right for them, not demanding visibility on your terms.
It’s about making the room more expansive, not more rigid.
Respect Over Rules: Pronouns Are About People
It’s easy to turn conversations about pronouns into checklists or rules. Say this. Don’t say that. Use the right words, or else. But the heart of it is about people.
Pronouns are not just a grammar exercise. They’re how we affirm someone’s truth. They’re a small part of language that carries a massive emotional charge. And that emotional weight? It’s not theoretical—it’s real, felt, embodied.
For many of us who are trans, non-binary, or gender-expansive, being referred to with the wrong pronouns can make us feel erased, exposed, or like we have to shrink to fit someone else’s comfort zone. Getting it right, even when it takes effort, says:
“I care about you enough to try. I believe you when you tell me who you are.”
So yes, learn the terms. Practise the language. But never lose sight of the fact that behind every pronoun is a whole person.
We’re not asking for perfect allies. We’re asking for present ones—people who will show up, listen, correct themselves when needed, and keep growing.
Because at the end of the day, this isn’t about grammar. It’s about dignity.
Embracing the Power of Pronouns for a More Inclusive Future
Using someone’s correct pronouns might seem like a small thing, but it can mean the world. It’s a sign of respect. A gesture of solidarity. A quiet affirmation that says, You belong here. I see you.
In a world that often forces trans and non-binary people to explain, defend, or hide who we are, being addressed correctly is not just validating—it’s life-affirming.
When we get this right—when we normalise sharing pronouns, when we correct ourselves without making it awkward, when we build inclusive habits into our workplaces, friendships, and communities—we start to shift the culture.
This isn’t about being “woke” or ticking a DEI box. It’s about building a world where no one has to shrink to fit in. Where gender diversity is not just tolerated but celebrated. Where our language reflects the truth that there are as many ways to be human as there are humans.
So if you’re still learning, that’s okay. Keep learning. Keep showing up. Keep trying. It matters more than you know.
Want to keep learning and exploring? Check out our Glossary for inclusive, community-rooted definitions and explore more stories on our Blog to see these conversations in context.
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