A Guide to the Singular "They": History, Grammar, and Daily Use
If you have spent some time on Enby Meaning Media, you most likely know by now what non-binary means and that "enby" is a common shorthand. But when it comes to actually using they/them pronouns for a single person in a sentence, your brain might still hit a "grammar speedbump."
Is it "they are" or "they is"?
How do you handle the reflexive "themselves"?
And how do you respond to the sceptics who claim this is a "new" invention?
This guide moves past the definitions and dives into the mechanics of mastering the singular "they."
The 600-Year History of the Singular "They"
The most common argument against "they/them" pronouns is that it’s grammatically incorrect. Linguistically speaking, that is a myth.
The singular "they" has been a part of English since at least 1375. It wasn’t "invented" by Gen-Z; it was used by the architects of the English language, like:
Geoffrey Chaucer & William Shakespeare: Both used the singular "they" to refer to unspecified individuals.
Jane Austen frequently used it in Pride and Prejudice to maintain the flow of her social observations.
The King James Bible, one of the most traditional of texts, uses "they" to refer to a single "man or woman" in Deuteronomy.
Why did English-language speakers stop using the singular "they"?
In the 18th century, grammarians sought to impose Latin rules on English. Since Latin didn’t have a singular "they," these scholars declared that "he" should be the default for everyone.
This wasn't a natural evolution of language; it was a rule imposed by a small group of men 200 years ago. Today’s shift is simply a return to our linguistic roots.
The Grammar Mechanics: "They are" vs. "They is"
One of the biggest hurdles is Subject-Verb Agreement. Even when referring to one person, the pronoun "they" almost always takes a plural verb.
This is a concept called Synesis (meaning based on sense rather than form). We already do this perfectly with the word "You."
| Pronoun | Context | Verb Agreement | Example |
|---|---|---|---|
| You | One Person | Plural Verb | "You are my friend." |
| They | One Person | Plural Verb | "They are my friend." |
The Golden Rule: If you wouldn't say "You is," don't say "They is." Keep the verb plural, and your sentences will sound natural and professional.
Dealing with the Reflexive: "Themself" or "Themselves"?
When you’re talking about a single person, should you say, "They did it themselves" or "They did it themself"?
Themselves: This is the traditionally "safe" choice. It is currently the most common form in major style guides (like APA and MLA).
Themself: This is a growing trend specifically used to emphasise that you are talking about one individual.
Our Advice: In casual conversation or non-binary-specific spaces, "themself" is perfectly acceptable and often preferred. In high-level formal or academic writing, "themselves" is still the standard.
How to "Rewire" Your Brain for Natural Usage
If you’ve spent 30 years thinking of "they" as plural, you need to build new neural pathways. Try these three cognitive tricks:
The "Unknown Person" Mapping: You already use the singular "they" when the gender is unknown. For example, "Someone left their umbrella; I hope they come back for it." When practising for a non-binary friend, visualise them as that "umbrella owner" until the grammar feels automatic.
The Low-Stakes Practice: Practice using the pronouns when the person isn't in the room. Talk to your pet or a trusted friend about the person's day. For example, “Alex said they had a great time at the concert. I'm so happy for them.”
What to Do When You Mess Up (The "Repair" Protocol)
Mistakes happen. How you handle them determines whether you’re being a supportive ally or making the situation more uncomfortable.
Don't: Launch into a five-minute apology about how hard you’re trying. This "centres" your feelings and forces the non-binary person to comfort you.
Do: Acknowledge, Correct, and Move On.
Example: "He said—sorry, they said—that the meeting starts at noon."
The Style Guide Consensus
If you are writing for a professional audience, you can cite the experts with confidence. The debate is effectively over in the world of professional editing:
Associated Press (AP): Accepted the singular "they" in 2017.
Merriam-Webster named "They" the 2019 Word of the Year.
APA Style (7th Edition): Officially endorses it, explicitly noting that "he or she" is often inaccurate and clunky.
It’s More Than Grammar—It’s Growth
At the end of the day, the "singular they" debate isn't actually about the mechanics of language; it’s about the evolution of empathy. Language has always been a tool designed to help us see and understand one another. Just as we moved away from "thou" and "thee" to simplify our connections, and just as we moved away from the "Generic He" to acknowledge women in the workforce, we are now expanding our vocabulary to ensure our non-binary friends, colleagues, and family members are visible.
Yes, your brain might trip over a "they are" once or twice. Yes, you might have to pause before you speak. But that brief moment of effort is a small price to pay for a world where everyone feels accurately named and respected.
The singular "they" is a historical standard being reclaimed for a more inclusive future. By mastering it, you aren't just becoming a better grammarian; you're becoming a more effective, compassionate communicator in a changing world.
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