How to Be a Better Ally to Non-Binary People: Do’s and Don’ts
Being an ally to non-binary people means creating a more inclusive world. This starts with using the correct names and pronouns and avoiding assumptions about someone’s gender.
Research shows that affirming a non-binary person’s identity, for example, consistently using their chosen pronouns, can be life-saving. Non-binary youth with supportive allies are significantly less likely to experience suicidal thoughts.
The guidelines below outline practical dos and don’ts to help you support non-binary friends, family, or coworkers respectfully.
Allys Do
Do use and share pronouns.
Always use the names and pronouns someone asks for. If you don’t know, politely ask or introduce your own, for example, “Hi, I use they/them pronouns. What pronouns do you use?”
Normalising pronoun sharing (for instance, by adding your pronouns to your email signature or introducing them in conversation) signals respect and makes it easier for non-binary people to share their identities.
Do use inclusive language.
Avoid gendered phrases like “ladies and gentlemen” and say “folks,” “friends,” or “everyone” instead. Likewise, use neutral terms for relationships (e.g., “parent” or “partner” instead of “mother/father” or “husband/wife”).
Simple changes like these ensure non-binary people aren’t continually reminded that they don’t fit a strict “man/woman” category.
Do respect chosen names.
Use a person’s chosen name, no matter what their legal name is. If someone tells you their new name, honour it consistently and never ask for or use their “deadname” (the name they used before).
Treat them as the gender they identify as: if they say their name is Alex, always call them Alex.
Do educate yourself and listen.
Take initiative to learn about gender diversity on your own (read articles, watch videos, etc.) rather than putting the burden on a non-binary person to teach you. Part of being a good ally is educating yourself.
When non-binary people do choose to share their experiences, listen respectfully. Talking with non-binary friends about their lives can give you valuable insight.
Do speak up and advocate.
Use your voice and privilege to challenge transphobia. If you overhear someone making a disparaging joke or using the wrong pronouns, gently correct them or change the subject.
Support inclusive policies, for example, push for all-gender restrooms at work or school so non-binary people don’t have to choose between men’s and women’s facilities.
Amplify non-binary voices (for instance, by listening to them in meetings or giving credit to their ideas) to help build a more affirming environment.
Do acknowledge mistakes and move on.
Everyone slips up sometimes. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun or say something insensitive, apologise quickly (preferably in private) and correct yourself.
Avoid drawing attention to the error, a brief apology (“Sorry, I meant they/them”) and a swift change of subject shows you care without putting the focus on the mistake. Then learn from it and try again next time.
Allys Don’t
Don’t out someone’s identity.
Never disclose that someone is non-binary (or was assigned a different gender at birth) without their explicit permission. Outing a person can betray their trust and even endanger them.
Remember, as an ally, it’s never up to you to decide if, how, or when someone discusses their gender with others.
Don’t assume gender by appearance.
You cannot tell someone’s gender just by looking at them. Avoid assuming pronouns, clothing, or interests based on stereotypes.
If you’re unsure, use neutral language (the singular “they” or their name) until they tell you what pronouns or labels they use.
Don’t ask invasive personal questions.
Never ask about a non-binary person’s body, medical history, surgeries, or sex life. Questions like “What surgeries have you had?” or “How do you have sex as non-binary?” are off-limits.
Likewise, don’t ask “when did you become non-binary?” as this implies that gender identity was a choice. Gender is innate, not a decision or a phase.
Don’t use deadnames.
Once someone has shared a new name, never use or ask about their old name. It’s unnecessary to know a person’s birth name if you accept who they are now.
Do not pry for “old photos” or reminisce about “before”; focus on them as the person they are today.
Don’t trivialise or invalidate their identity.
Avoid remarks like “You don’t look non-binary” or “I guess you’re just a cool person.” Comments that imply non-binary people don’t really exist or will change their minds are hurtful.
Remember that non-binary identities have existed in cultures around the world for centuries. Refuse stereotypes: saying “it’s just a phase” or demanding proof of transition sends the message that you don’t respect who they are.
Don’t use slurs, jokes, or deadening language.
Refrain from derogatory terms and avoid jokes about gender variance. Even “innocent” comments (for example, “you look so girly today” or “are you in the right bathroom?”) can be hurtful. If you catch yourself being insensitive, stop and correct it.
Real allyship means not standing by when others use slurs or make jokes; instead, call it out and educate if you can. Showing that you won’t tolerate disrespect makes you a more potent ally.
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